People going through the unresolved loss of a much loved pet, often say it’s the "not knowing" that hurts so much. They don't know if, or when, to grieve. Or when, or how, to stop looking. Or how to even contemplate, let alone begin to accept, that a much-loved family member may not be coming home again.

“It really pains me to say this”, they will say “but I would rather know, than not know - even if it was the worst possible news”. I can honestly say I’ve heard these words thousands of times from people whose pet is still lost. I’ve even said it myself as I have been through the experience of having a lost pet several times.

 

Everyone feels it. No matter who they are. I have had a CEO of a large company crying on the other end of the phone because her cat was lost. She told me she couldn’t understand how she felt so helpless, as she is normally in a strong position of authority. She struggled with how she suddenly felt reduced to opening her deepest fears to a stranger. Incredibly, during that long call with me, her cat actually came back through the door after many days lost. So, I was able to share both her deepest despair and then her pure elation. Her secret is safe with me but I’ll always remember that call and the tears and tumult from the emotion we shared over the phone.

 

Sometimes, people give up looking for their lost pet far too soon. A phenomenon known as Grief Avoidance can stop them looking for their pet (I will talk more about grief avoidance in a future blog...). At the other end of the scale some people torture themselves for years looking for their lost pet at all costs. This can cost them hugely in time, stress and money. If their partner does not share the crusade to find a lost pet after a long period of time, relationships can suffer too.

The hard part is knowing when to have hope, and when to stop looking, so you can get some closure and move forward with your life.

People with unresolved pet loss may experience distressing nightmares, poor sleeping or crying. They may feel "stopped", disconnected or unable to get on with their life until something "happens". Their eating and sleeping may be disturbed. They may feel tearful and be easily upset, possibly losing time off work or becoming less productive in their life. The unresolved loss of a pet can cause stress, depression and anxiety. Please do get support if you feel you are not coping. Consider seeing a counsellor for help with these perfectly normal feelings.

Effect on children

The unresolved loss of a pet can deeply affect both adults and children in a family. Children may have even stronger bonds with the family pet who normally sleeps or plays with them. They may feel the loss of a much-loved pet even harder to cope with when their daily routine is suddenly changed, and their special friend is gone without explanation.
Although we as parents may be barely coping with the situation ourselves, we still need to help our children cope by encouraging them to talk about their feelings. We can’t "promise" to make it better or guarantee to find their pet. All we can do is say we will try our best and do everything we can.

There is an immense aching and empty feeling of helplessness when our pet is lost. So, invite your children to help. Ask them what their ideas are. Maybe they can help to deliver fliers with you or make a special poster to put up at school/preschool, or outside your gate. This involvement will help them feel that they too are doing everything they can do to help. Just like adults, children need to feel that they are doing everything in their power to help find their lost pet as well.

Early weeks and months

I recommend anyone with a lost pet keep their online listings running for at least six months. It is common for pets to take weeks or months to be found, so it’s vital your listing be there for a "finder" to see.

It’s just as important to also check the found pet listings regularly several times a week, because we can’t rely on a finder to check the lost pet listings and see your listing.

Continue your social media listings and flier drops in the zone of highest probability your pet could be in. Remember, fliers are GOLD and many pets are reunited through fliers.

How long is too long?

Cats in particular can be found again after a long time (weeks, months and years).

Pets have been reunited via their microchip after many years, even as long as nine and ten years later… With a microchip, the window of opportunity to be reunited with your pet remains open for the rest of their natural life. Keep in mind their microchip needs to be registered and your contact details need to be kept up to date.

Part two of this blog is about finding an “end point”, a time when you can give yourself permission to stop searching for your lost pet - and permission to start grieving.